I made so many excuses to not see it. I thought if I just kept trying to fix everything on his list of everything that was wrong with me he would stop being awful to me. But that wasn’t ever going to happen that list just got longer, and longer.
He would monopolize all of my time even when we weren’t with each other, sending texts asking how I was doing, what I was doing, apologizing, even when I said I needed to concentrate so I wouldn’t be checking my phone.
I started getting jumpy, I would jump out of my seat when startled. I kept thinking of all the things he promised that he was sorry and that it would be better next semester when he wasn’t so stressed, next year, when he was done with school. But it never got better.
Instead he would sulk when I hung out with friends, I felt like I had to hide being with them and that didn’t feel good so I just isolated myself more and more.
Its not easy to say any of this and worse to admit it was even happening. It was the opposite of what was supposed to happen, what I wanted.
He was always asking for small favors and I was happy to do things like that but he wouldn’t ever reciprocate not even every once in a while.
I was constantly walking on eggshells. The fights got louder and louder and I wouldn’t even be able to pin point what had set him off. Anything set them off, and I’ve always been stubborn so they were loud.
I would know I had clearly expressed what I said and he would say I wasn’t being clear he didn’t understand.
I started getting sick again. This time it was my kidneys. He would say you’re always sick, he would get angry when I was sick, when I was in pain just for being sick and in pain.
I could list forever but why? The result would still be the same. I became less and less someone I knew. Less happy, less healthy, off track in every aspect of my life.
I left school. Then after almost a year of fighting I left him. It was getting to the point of well really bad thoughts.
Intermittent rewards, thats what they call them and you live for them. You live for the small things they do that make you happy. You justify not being happy.
It’s all your fault. Its you thats the problem if you could just fix everything about you on that list.
They want to know everything about you but they wont tell you anything about them. You have this nagging feeling you can’t trust them and you ignore it. You just want things back how they started, you want to be happy.
I’m an open book but he was secretive ft knox.
I went home. I was optimistic things were going to get better but we texted all the time, he still took up all my time. He wanted progress reports, I was still giving progress reports, I left and said no more progress reports and I was still giving them.
Then suddenly over one of the most minor and brief spats we’ve ever had he disappeared. The silent treatment, brief messages responding calling me names or being slightly nice. After a week of it I was going nuts and he seemed to be able to send just the right kind and amounts of messages to keep it going.
Devalue discard phase, he found a new narcissistic supply and I’m not it.
Realizing you are narcissistic supply. You were supplies…
what the hell?
I’m going to be ok. I left and its going to take a lot of work to rebuild myself but that I had enough self preservation left to actually leave I am taking as a sign there is still hope.
I could have gone to one of the few friends who knew me well enough to stick around and they offered. But I decided to go home. It felt like the place I needed to be.
I still haven’t really left the house much, I substitute teach and I only have to take assignments when I’m up for it, I go to therapy, to the doctor, I tutor. My kidney stopped acting up for the most part.
I started feeling healthier, caring about how I looked again. I still haven’t reconnected with the friends I have here, going out even to the coffee shop is still exhausting.
But I’m going to be ok.
I am not supplies.